Thinking Aloud

Ganda, LenPot and Ma Reg, congratulations sa inyong tatlo!

Next year ko na singilin ang treat ninyo sa akin (wishful thinking). Promise, masaya na ako sa one to sawa na videoke sa Music 21 (un ba ung place dati?).

I was half asleep, half awake trying to watch an old CSI episode. It was around 330pm, "nap time" talaga dapat but I’ve been successful in holding off.

Anyway, phone rings. ID said private, I picked up anyway. Then it took a couple of seconds before someone answered.

Person on the other line: Hello po. Pwedi po makipag phonepal?

Me: Ha? Sinong hinahanap mo?

Person on the other line: Gusto ko lang po makipagphonepal.

Me: Sorry. Pasensya na. Sino ulit kailangan mo? (kunot-noo at may ? sa air)

Person on the other line: Si Liezl.

Me: Sino ‘to? (malapit ng mainis)

Person on the other side: Ay ang suplada mo pala. Gusto ko lang naman makipagphonepal sa iyo. Galing pa ako dito sa…

Me: (interrupting the other person) Meeya! Ikaw yan.

Well I can’t write what transpired next kasi ang haba na noon. We had a break after an hour. Tapos balik ulit for another hour. And kung hindi siguro hatinggabi na sa North Carolina, magkausap pa tayo ngayon. Eniwei, lumamig ang noodles kong niluto pero oks lang po.

Looking forward to the next phone call! Pramis, papayag na ako makipag phone pal

It occurs at the most unexpected time.

Usually in the middle of something fun.

Mabilis lang, pero ramdam.

Tapos nawawala na lang.

Fleeting sadness.

I don’t know how.

It bothers me though.

Can someone tell me why?

(Note: I’m just thinking aloud. I don’t expect answers, really.)

Pero ‘tol, kung may explanation ka, you know what to do naman na.

Sana nga may maisasagot ako sa mga tanong mo, if only to help ease your pain kahit konti. Kaso wala akong mahagilap na sagot. Hindi dahil sa hindi ko naiintindihan. Wala lang talaga akong maisip na tamang sagot sa tanong mo. Huwag mong isipin na walang sagot, merun. Di ko lang alam kung ano. And I don’t want to give you something just for the sake of having something. It won’t help.

For the meantime, go back to your normal life. Kung ano man un. I can’t stop you from dwelling on how you feel kasi the more that you will do if I ask you to stop. If you want to hide, sige lang. Anything to make your life normal. Uminom ka hanggang gusto mo, hanggang wala ka ng maramdaman. Para kahit paano makatulog ka ng maayos. Bahala na kung paggising mo bukas balik sa dati, at least for a few hours blank ang lahat. No harm, no foul.

Am I making sense?

Now I don’t know if this will make sense to you. This was supposed to be part of a post I wrote the day after we had a chat for six hours. It’s all about my story, the one we almost didn’t get to discuss because I was too tired and you were playing difficult. Ayaw mong sabihin ung bagay na alam ko na for the longest time pero I never discussed with anyone.

The one where you answered me bluntly. "The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear." - Herbert Agar

Part lang ito. I’ll send you the whole post in time.

"And while it never happened, at least I was cautious enough not to allow myself to be hurt again. Its funny when bottled up painful feelings actually keep us adrift. It’s funnier when you wake up one day still with the same pain but without the anger that came with it. All I can say is that TIME, aside from making people change can also heal even the deepest wounds. I could not stay away for long. I searched and searched until I found the way back. And it was not the same. And one thing that anger taught me was not to care. I didn’t care.

Flight of fight? I chose the first option in most of my failures in life. Because I was never a fighter. I have learned to distinguish from battles I can win and those I cannot even on my best day."

Think about it.

Di ko sinasabing tama. But if you deal with it now then isang sakit na lang. Kahit gaano kasakit.

Leave it hanging and the pain will linger. The more that you won’t be able to move on. Not unless you don’t feel like moving on.

You have a choice. Don’t ask me again what is the right one. I won’t tell you. Not because I don’t want you to listen to what I say, I do. But I want you to listen to me and then decide for yourself. Dahil iyon ka. You don’t care what others say. Kahit sabihin nilang flirt ka, or nang-aagaw ka ng boyfriend ng may boyfriend nung high school. Kahit Bratinella ka.

Whatever makes you happy.

I love life…Yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time, I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like…It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I’m feeling is like a beautiful sadness.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Raisins, 2003

Wish I could say don’t be sad, but I know it’s not for me to say.

Phone call from a friend from the other side of the world.

Huge brunch in town.

Two bottles of beer.

A lovely pasta dish.

Peach and passion fruit cheesecake with ice cream.

Java Chip from Starbucks.

A seat in front of the giant screen - Wellington Lions vs. Auckland (wellington won, 30-15) with screaming fans all over.

Bring on the weekend…

(oh yes, add an indefinite RRV and a blood test that didn’t go as bad as before)

Empty than hurting.

This summed up our conversation.

Ilang taon na rin tayong di nagkita, di nagkausap. In between the 4 or more years, we only had a few text messages, isa or dalawang email, ganun lang. Tapos ung blog mo, dun lang ako nakakasagap ng kwento kahit minsan di ko malaman alin ang fiction at alin ang totoong buhay.

Then I chanced upon you the other day. We exchanged lazy pleasantries and I thought, heto na naman. Usapang walang saysay, mayamaya, wala na ulit.

But I was proven wrong.

You didn’t try to hide or run away. The only thing you tried to do is hide what’s going on inside you.

Makulit ka, mas makulit ako.

In the end, you talked. Though I have to say that I  was skeptical. Can’t blame me. It’s been years. And ikaw na rin nagsabi, you’ve never opened up to anyone.

Six hours. With a 45-minute break. Kung hindi pa naghang ang computer ko, baka inabot pa tayo ng madaling-araw.

Uulitin ko ang sinabi ko na sa iyo that night.

You are difficult and it takes special talent to crack you.

You are hardened…cynical…pareho lang daw un sabi sa thesaurus.

You’ve been broken, not a few times. By people you love, people you know, people you don’t know, and people who don’t know you.

Dahil doon, naging cynical ka and at the same time, natakot. Dahil sa tingin mo, lahat ng darating sa buhay mo iiwan ka lang din. So kahit alam mong ikakasaya mo, di bale na lang. Kasi mas nauuna ang takot mo.

You’d rather be empty than hurting.

u: you still believe in risking everything, mate?
u: kahit na masaktan?
me: no…
u: kahit na lumuha?
me: yes…
me: i believe..but will i do it?
me: i dont know…
u: ano talaga? will you?
me: ung totoo…
u: do you have the courage to be broken….
me: id rather be empty than hurting…
u: can you handle it?
me: but i am not you…
u: awwwww…….
me: magkaiba tayo ng pinagdaanan…
u: my choice when i felt something with ____ is …. TO BE EMPTY THAN HURTING…
u: the worst i had is losing my sanity and my life
me: see…
me: mas matapang ka
me: because after all that happened..ayan at naikwento mo pa….
u: i am jst trying to pick up the pieces..
u: i almost lost it…
u: i almost snapped…
me: and yet you didn’t….
u: my mom knew that sooner or later i would..
u: hahhaha
me: don’t let it stop you from living the life you want

Yes, don’t let your cynicism and fears stop you from living the  life you want and deserve. You owe it to yourself. Alam ko madali for me to say because hindi ako ikaw. Pero sana tingnan mo din that I am only saying these things because i know you. And I believe in you.

At sana, wag ka na ulit magtago. Mahirap maghanap. Nakakapagod.

————————————————————————————————-

Oo nga pala, pahabol. Salamat for answering my question BLUNTLY.

Alam ko naman na yun but I buried it behind me. It was better that way, I think. Because after sometime, nagising ako with the pain but without the anger and moved on.

And yes, I made some painful decisions because of that. Decisions I’ve learned to live with. Because that’s the only way to go forward - to turn your back on those things that almost destroyed you. Sabi nga di ba, whatever caused you pain but didn’t kill you can only make you a better person.

Sana ganun din ang isipin mo. Risk like you’re playing the last game of your life.

For a while I felt it dragged on too long. But when it ended, i was sad after all.

This morning, i was up at 730am. On a weekday, I would have freaked out (I’ve been coming to work early lately) but on a weekend, this is not good.

I was excited to get up because today happens to be the day I get to watch the finale of Bituing Walang Ningning (yes, the teleserye). I have faithfully followed this soap from the first day (with Sa Piling Mo). At first I watched my Channel 2 soaps at night but then the low EQ person that I am, the wait until the day’s end became unbearable (to a certain extent) so I started watching one soap in the morning while having breakfast (or watching AM news) and the other at night.

Last night’s finale (which was shown in Pinas last night) was dramatic as dramatic can get (although there are parts i’d rather not see again). Anyway, as predicted (helped by the previews in some dailies) Rosa Mia decided to see Dorina’s concert after all (and shared a dramatic reunion on stage), Adora died, Lavinia realized her mistakes and got back with Nico and finally, Dorina decided to leave the limelight for a private life. But predictable or not, I shed a tear (or two) watching it (buti na lang wala nakakita). I’ve downloaded it so i can watch it whenever i wish. Kahit ilang beses na pinintasan ang acting ni Ai-ai and Sarah, deadma ako. Kahit nainis ako dahil sobrang pinahaba ang story to take advantage of the high ratings, game pa rin ako to watch it. And I’ll miss watching it every morning (kasehoda na malate ako at mawalan ng carpark).

On a lighter side though, di pa naman pala katapusan ng aking early morning habit. The new soap, Maging Sino Ka Man started last night. Syempre pa, susundan ko rin ito. Kahit ibig sabihin kelangan ko magising ng 630am (kasi may after work appointment ako at least 2x a week) sige lang.

There are things in life that will never change. Count my love for soaps to that. Baduy na kung baduy.

And I wasn’t wrong after all. It came two days late, but it came and it’s all that matters.

I stayed up late last night as I anxiously and patiently waited for updates on the ABS-CBN News website. And shortly (I suppose) after UST won via overtime, there it was, a post on said website announcing the awakening of the Growling TIgers.

I slept with a smile on my face while i silently cheered "GO USTE!".

Abbie, tama ang kutob mo. Nanalo kami. Next time na lang ulit, subok kayo