Thinking Aloud

Sana nga may maisasagot ako sa mga tanong mo, if only to help ease your pain kahit konti. Kaso wala akong mahagilap na sagot. Hindi dahil sa hindi ko naiintindihan. Wala lang talaga akong maisip na tamang sagot sa tanong mo. Huwag mong isipin na walang sagot, merun. Di ko lang alam kung ano. And I don’t want to give you something just for the sake of having something. It won’t help.

For the meantime, go back to your normal life. Kung ano man un. I can’t stop you from dwelling on how you feel kasi the more that you will do if I ask you to stop. If you want to hide, sige lang. Anything to make your life normal. Uminom ka hanggang gusto mo, hanggang wala ka ng maramdaman. Para kahit paano makatulog ka ng maayos. Bahala na kung paggising mo bukas balik sa dati, at least for a few hours blank ang lahat. No harm, no foul.

Am I making sense?

Now I don’t know if this will make sense to you. This was supposed to be part of a post I wrote the day after we had a chat for six hours. It’s all about my story, the one we almost didn’t get to discuss because I was too tired and you were playing difficult. Ayaw mong sabihin ung bagay na alam ko na for the longest time pero I never discussed with anyone.

The one where you answered me bluntly. "The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear." - Herbert Agar

Part lang ito. I’ll send you the whole post in time.

"And while it never happened, at least I was cautious enough not to allow myself to be hurt again. Its funny when bottled up painful feelings actually keep us adrift. It’s funnier when you wake up one day still with the same pain but without the anger that came with it. All I can say is that TIME, aside from making people change can also heal even the deepest wounds. I could not stay away for long. I searched and searched until I found the way back. And it was not the same. And one thing that anger taught me was not to care. I didn’t care.

Flight of fight? I chose the first option in most of my failures in life. Because I was never a fighter. I have learned to distinguish from battles I can win and those I cannot even on my best day."

Think about it.

Di ko sinasabing tama. But if you deal with it now then isang sakit na lang. Kahit gaano kasakit.

Leave it hanging and the pain will linger. The more that you won’t be able to move on. Not unless you don’t feel like moving on.

You have a choice. Don’t ask me again what is the right one. I won’t tell you. Not because I don’t want you to listen to what I say, I do. But I want you to listen to me and then decide for yourself. Dahil iyon ka. You don’t care what others say. Kahit sabihin nilang flirt ka, or nang-aagaw ka ng boyfriend ng may boyfriend nung high school. Kahit Bratinella ka.

Whatever makes you happy.

I love life…Yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time, I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like…It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I’m feeling is like a beautiful sadness.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Raisins, 2003

Wish I could say don’t be sad, but I know it’s not for me to say.

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 15th, 2006 at 2:08 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.