Thinking Aloud

Empty than hurting.

This summed up our conversation.

Ilang taon na rin tayong di nagkita, di nagkausap. In between the 4 or more years, we only had a few text messages, isa or dalawang email, ganun lang. Tapos ung blog mo, dun lang ako nakakasagap ng kwento kahit minsan di ko malaman alin ang fiction at alin ang totoong buhay.

Then I chanced upon you the other day. We exchanged lazy pleasantries and I thought, heto na naman. Usapang walang saysay, mayamaya, wala na ulit.

But I was proven wrong.

You didn’t try to hide or run away. The only thing you tried to do is hide what’s going on inside you.

Makulit ka, mas makulit ako.

In the end, you talked. Though I have to say that I  was skeptical. Can’t blame me. It’s been years. And ikaw na rin nagsabi, you’ve never opened up to anyone.

Six hours. With a 45-minute break. Kung hindi pa naghang ang computer ko, baka inabot pa tayo ng madaling-araw.

Uulitin ko ang sinabi ko na sa iyo that night.

You are difficult and it takes special talent to crack you.

You are hardened…cynical…pareho lang daw un sabi sa thesaurus.

You’ve been broken, not a few times. By people you love, people you know, people you don’t know, and people who don’t know you.

Dahil doon, naging cynical ka and at the same time, natakot. Dahil sa tingin mo, lahat ng darating sa buhay mo iiwan ka lang din. So kahit alam mong ikakasaya mo, di bale na lang. Kasi mas nauuna ang takot mo.

You’d rather be empty than hurting.

u: you still believe in risking everything, mate?
u: kahit na masaktan?
me: no…
u: kahit na lumuha?
me: yes…
me: i believe..but will i do it?
me: i dont know…
u: ano talaga? will you?
me: ung totoo…
u: do you have the courage to be broken….
me: id rather be empty than hurting…
u: can you handle it?
me: but i am not you…
u: awwwww…….
me: magkaiba tayo ng pinagdaanan…
u: my choice when i felt something with ____ is …. TO BE EMPTY THAN HURTING…
u: the worst i had is losing my sanity and my life
me: see…
me: mas matapang ka
me: because after all that happened..ayan at naikwento mo pa….
u: i am jst trying to pick up the pieces..
u: i almost lost it…
u: i almost snapped…
me: and yet you didn’t….
u: my mom knew that sooner or later i would..
u: hahhaha
me: don’t let it stop you from living the life you want

Yes, don’t let your cynicism and fears stop you from living the  life you want and deserve. You owe it to yourself. Alam ko madali for me to say because hindi ako ikaw. Pero sana tingnan mo din that I am only saying these things because i know you. And I believe in you.

At sana, wag ka na ulit magtago. Mahirap maghanap. Nakakapagod.

————————————————————————————————-

Oo nga pala, pahabol. Salamat for answering my question BLUNTLY.

Alam ko naman na yun but I buried it behind me. It was better that way, I think. Because after sometime, nagising ako with the pain but without the anger and moved on.

And yes, I made some painful decisions because of that. Decisions I’ve learned to live with. Because that’s the only way to go forward - to turn your back on those things that almost destroyed you. Sabi nga di ba, whatever caused you pain but didn’t kill you can only make you a better person.

Sana ganun din ang isipin mo. Risk like you’re playing the last game of your life.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 11th, 2006 at 2:17 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.