Thinking Aloud

Sana nga may maisasagot ako sa mga tanong mo, if only to help ease your pain kahit konti. Kaso wala akong mahagilap na sagot. Hindi dahil sa hindi ko naiintindihan. Wala lang talaga akong maisip na tamang sagot sa tanong mo. Huwag mong isipin na walang sagot, merun. Di ko lang alam kung ano. And I don’t want to give you something just for the sake of having something. It won’t help.

For the meantime, go back to your normal life. Kung ano man un. I can’t stop you from dwelling on how you feel kasi the more that you will do if I ask you to stop. If you want to hide, sige lang. Anything to make your life normal. Uminom ka hanggang gusto mo, hanggang wala ka ng maramdaman. Para kahit paano makatulog ka ng maayos. Bahala na kung paggising mo bukas balik sa dati, at least for a few hours blank ang lahat. No harm, no foul.

Am I making sense?

Now I don’t know if this will make sense to you. This was supposed to be part of a post I wrote the day after we had a chat for six hours. It’s all about my story, the one we almost didn’t get to discuss because I was too tired and you were playing difficult. Ayaw mong sabihin ung bagay na alam ko na for the longest time pero I never discussed with anyone.

The one where you answered me bluntly. "The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear." - Herbert Agar

Part lang ito. I’ll send you the whole post in time.

"And while it never happened, at least I was cautious enough not to allow myself to be hurt again. Its funny when bottled up painful feelings actually keep us adrift. It’s funnier when you wake up one day still with the same pain but without the anger that came with it. All I can say is that TIME, aside from making people change can also heal even the deepest wounds. I could not stay away for long. I searched and searched until I found the way back. And it was not the same. And one thing that anger taught me was not to care. I didn’t care.

Flight of fight? I chose the first option in most of my failures in life. Because I was never a fighter. I have learned to distinguish from battles I can win and those I cannot even on my best day."

Think about it.

Di ko sinasabing tama. But if you deal with it now then isang sakit na lang. Kahit gaano kasakit.

Leave it hanging and the pain will linger. The more that you won’t be able to move on. Not unless you don’t feel like moving on.

You have a choice. Don’t ask me again what is the right one. I won’t tell you. Not because I don’t want you to listen to what I say, I do. But I want you to listen to me and then decide for yourself. Dahil iyon ka. You don’t care what others say. Kahit sabihin nilang flirt ka, or nang-aagaw ka ng boyfriend ng may boyfriend nung high school. Kahit Bratinella ka.

Whatever makes you happy.

I love life…Yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time, I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like…It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I’m feeling is like a beautiful sadness.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Raisins, 2003

Wish I could say don’t be sad, but I know it’s not for me to say.

Phone call from a friend from the other side of the world.

Huge brunch in town.

Two bottles of beer.

A lovely pasta dish.

Peach and passion fruit cheesecake with ice cream.

Java Chip from Starbucks.

A seat in front of the giant screen - Wellington Lions vs. Auckland (wellington won, 30-15) with screaming fans all over.

Bring on the weekend…

(oh yes, add an indefinite RRV and a blood test that didn’t go as bad as before)

Empty than hurting.

This summed up our conversation.

Ilang taon na rin tayong di nagkita, di nagkausap. In between the 4 or more years, we only had a few text messages, isa or dalawang email, ganun lang. Tapos ung blog mo, dun lang ako nakakasagap ng kwento kahit minsan di ko malaman alin ang fiction at alin ang totoong buhay.

Then I chanced upon you the other day. We exchanged lazy pleasantries and I thought, heto na naman. Usapang walang saysay, mayamaya, wala na ulit.

But I was proven wrong.

You didn’t try to hide or run away. The only thing you tried to do is hide what’s going on inside you.

Makulit ka, mas makulit ako.

In the end, you talked. Though I have to say that I  was skeptical. Can’t blame me. It’s been years. And ikaw na rin nagsabi, you’ve never opened up to anyone.

Six hours. With a 45-minute break. Kung hindi pa naghang ang computer ko, baka inabot pa tayo ng madaling-araw.

Uulitin ko ang sinabi ko na sa iyo that night.

You are difficult and it takes special talent to crack you.

You are hardened…cynical…pareho lang daw un sabi sa thesaurus.

You’ve been broken, not a few times. By people you love, people you know, people you don’t know, and people who don’t know you.

Dahil doon, naging cynical ka and at the same time, natakot. Dahil sa tingin mo, lahat ng darating sa buhay mo iiwan ka lang din. So kahit alam mong ikakasaya mo, di bale na lang. Kasi mas nauuna ang takot mo.

You’d rather be empty than hurting.

u: you still believe in risking everything, mate?
u: kahit na masaktan?
me: no…
u: kahit na lumuha?
me: yes…
me: i believe..but will i do it?
me: i dont know…
u: ano talaga? will you?
me: ung totoo…
u: do you have the courage to be broken….
me: id rather be empty than hurting…
u: can you handle it?
me: but i am not you…
u: awwwww…….
me: magkaiba tayo ng pinagdaanan…
u: my choice when i felt something with ____ is …. TO BE EMPTY THAN HURTING…
u: the worst i had is losing my sanity and my life
me: see…
me: mas matapang ka
me: because after all that happened..ayan at naikwento mo pa….
u: i am jst trying to pick up the pieces..
u: i almost lost it…
u: i almost snapped…
me: and yet you didn’t….
u: my mom knew that sooner or later i would..
u: hahhaha
me: don’t let it stop you from living the life you want

Yes, don’t let your cynicism and fears stop you from living the  life you want and deserve. You owe it to yourself. Alam ko madali for me to say because hindi ako ikaw. Pero sana tingnan mo din that I am only saying these things because i know you. And I believe in you.

At sana, wag ka na ulit magtago. Mahirap maghanap. Nakakapagod.

————————————————————————————————-

Oo nga pala, pahabol. Salamat for answering my question BLUNTLY.

Alam ko naman na yun but I buried it behind me. It was better that way, I think. Because after sometime, nagising ako with the pain but without the anger and moved on.

And yes, I made some painful decisions because of that. Decisions I’ve learned to live with. Because that’s the only way to go forward - to turn your back on those things that almost destroyed you. Sabi nga di ba, whatever caused you pain but didn’t kill you can only make you a better person.

Sana ganun din ang isipin mo. Risk like you’re playing the last game of your life.

For a while I felt it dragged on too long. But when it ended, i was sad after all.

This morning, i was up at 730am. On a weekday, I would have freaked out (I’ve been coming to work early lately) but on a weekend, this is not good.

I was excited to get up because today happens to be the day I get to watch the finale of Bituing Walang Ningning (yes, the teleserye). I have faithfully followed this soap from the first day (with Sa Piling Mo). At first I watched my Channel 2 soaps at night but then the low EQ person that I am, the wait until the day’s end became unbearable (to a certain extent) so I started watching one soap in the morning while having breakfast (or watching AM news) and the other at night.

Last night’s finale (which was shown in Pinas last night) was dramatic as dramatic can get (although there are parts i’d rather not see again). Anyway, as predicted (helped by the previews in some dailies) Rosa Mia decided to see Dorina’s concert after all (and shared a dramatic reunion on stage), Adora died, Lavinia realized her mistakes and got back with Nico and finally, Dorina decided to leave the limelight for a private life. But predictable or not, I shed a tear (or two) watching it (buti na lang wala nakakita). I’ve downloaded it so i can watch it whenever i wish. Kahit ilang beses na pinintasan ang acting ni Ai-ai and Sarah, deadma ako. Kahit nainis ako dahil sobrang pinahaba ang story to take advantage of the high ratings, game pa rin ako to watch it. And I’ll miss watching it every morning (kasehoda na malate ako at mawalan ng carpark).

On a lighter side though, di pa naman pala katapusan ng aking early morning habit. The new soap, Maging Sino Ka Man started last night. Syempre pa, susundan ko rin ito. Kahit ibig sabihin kelangan ko magising ng 630am (kasi may after work appointment ako at least 2x a week) sige lang.

There are things in life that will never change. Count my love for soaps to that. Baduy na kung baduy.

And I wasn’t wrong after all. It came two days late, but it came and it’s all that matters.

I stayed up late last night as I anxiously and patiently waited for updates on the ABS-CBN News website. And shortly (I suppose) after UST won via overtime, there it was, a post on said website announcing the awakening of the Growling TIgers.

I slept with a smile on my face while i silently cheered "GO USTE!".

Abbie, tama ang kutob mo. Nanalo kami. Next time na lang ulit, subok kayo

UST would have taken the UAAP championship trophy last night. If only Ateneo wasn’t that lucky last week. A really smart play from Grandslam Coach Norman Black.

They gave the awards yesterday as well. I felt like shouting G-O U-S-T-E as well when Jervy Cruz was called as part of the Mythical Five. I could feel the Big Dome roaring with Tigers…

Tomorrow, they slug it out for the trophy. No matter what, UST has proven itself that it’s back in contention.

But of course, "the" trophy will further prove that.

Go USTE!

I was hit. For how long, I hope long enough to achieve something.

My legs and arms are sore from working out the last two days - one in the work gym (not flash) and today in a flash gym (yeah, watching tv while on the exercycle and the cross trainer).

But I’m coming back for sure. It feels good to look at the screen that shows how much calories you burn for every move you make.

Until when? You’ll know.

It’s past 11. I should be in bed. I know. But I’m not. I am half awake and half in dreamland.

I just thought I’d try to write something again. Who knows when I’ll find time to do this again…just joking.

Anyway, I had a busy weekend. It started on Friday night with two loads of washing that finished at 10pm while I was watching Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher do the tango in Guess Who. I remember seeing parts of the movie before but can’t remember when, where and what happened. So it was worth watching. I finished at 12midnight.

The next day I got up after 9am, grumpy as I wanted to sleep some more but couldn’t (i first woke up at past 8am). Anyway, I went online, checked my emails, friendster and news websites and watched Bituin. Honestly, nasusuya na ako kasi masyadong pinapahaba. Just like Sa Piling kasi nag-drag ang story towards the end. Tipong pinatatagal because nagre-rate. Anyway, i hope matapos na sya soon. Para naman maging normal na ang morning ko. Yeah, I watch Bituin while having breakfast. How obsessed can one get? But then hold that thought, my sister told me that John Lloyd and Bea’s new soap will replace it. Dang! Seems like I’ll continue to be late at work (late per my early standards). Whatever!

So after dilly-dallying, I took off at 11am and went to Miramar. Ang sarap ng siomai kahit secret daw nila Jane kung saan binili. Watched a couple of DVDs (in between falling asleep). Finally got home at 730pm. Had a quick dinner and set off to watch Cheaper by the Dozen (oo na, napanood ko na dati!) in between chatting with Mean. Actually, I got a late night call to go and see Stick It at Skycity kasi may screening ng 840pm. I don’t know anything about the movie and besides, I was planning to be at church by 9am so i had to beg off. Maybe next time. Honestly, i should say yes to a Tuesday movie soon at baka hindi na ako yayain.

Then today I set off for a long day travelling to Paraparaumu and Upper Hutt.Tipong sakay-sakay lang ng train. Ang nakakatawa, may track repairs pala so we had to take a bus to Wellington, then another bus to Tawa. From there lang kami nakasakay ng train. Ang kainis naman, makulimlim sa Kapiti Coast today. Kahapon daw maaraw. Ewan. Anyway, we got there after 12noon and set off to the mall to have coffee. Tapos adventure, sakay ng bus to go to the Nyco Chocolate Factory. Ang gulo ng signage (or mahina talaga navigational skills ko). Pagkatapos ng 2minutong paikot-ikot, nakita namin ang hinahanap na lugar. Well, dahil Chocolate factory, syempre puro chocolates. Before tumaas ang kilay, nagtry lang ako ng free sample. I mean, may binili akong ilan pieces pero di ko pa ginalaw. How about that.

Then we went back to the bus stop. May mabait na old lady who stopped sa amin and offered to give us a ride to Coastlands. I mean, that was really nice pero I politely said no dahil alanganin. We’ll have to walk pa to the train station. Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng ganun dito. After 30months.

The bus arrived shortly and then we waited for train for around five minutes. Same story, had to get off at Tawa to transfer to a bus to get to Wellington. Pagdating sa Welly, naiwan kami ng connecting bus to U Hutt kasi late ang bus namin. So had wait another half hour. Finally, we arrived at Upper Hutt at around 530pm. Lumabas lang to have a photo taken (which didn’t turn out good kasi di nakita ang Upper Hutt). Balik na ulit ng Waterloo then bus to Woburn.

I had to stop sa petrol station on the way home kasi parang malambot ang gulong ng kotse. Blooper, i’ve never done this in the past so had to ask anong required pressure.

Sa wakas, at 630pm, I got home. Tapos may text si mama reg, di daw sya makalabas kasi maulan. So sabi ko, sige lang, kakarating ko lang din. I cooked my food for the next three days (waaah!!!). Tapos mga before 8pm nagtext na si regina kaya lagare ako between cooking and chatting. Maraming chismis. Syempre pa about old office. Di ko na ikwento. After an hour she had to go. Si Bena naman kinulit ko (ten mins each call kasi un ang promo). As usual, usapang ewan ulit. Kulitan at tanungan kung sinong unang dapat magkaanak. In the end, we decided na si regina dapat. Sorry reg, kami nag-usap eh. Nga pala, I even squeezed watching Closer while chatting with Reg. Multi-tasking. Masama daw un I read somewhere…

Hay, wala pa rin ang episode ng The Buzz sa abs-cbnnow. Kainis, 1130na. Dapat kasi mapanood ko na para bukas di na ko manood sa umaga. 15minutes ulit na wait, tapos ayoko na. Tulog na ako.

Now i’m typing with both eyes closed.

Ang tawag namin sa UST batch from 1993-1997 (btw, kami un) ay  mga lucky charms. Why?

First year, UST won the crown after years of drought via a remarkable sweep of the UAAP eliminations. The main Tigers then were Dennis Espino, Rey Evangelista, Siot Tanquincen (crush ko nun), Bal David and Udoy Belmonte. All made it to the PBA although only Dennis and Rey remain active. Siot of course was a champion coach for Ginebra and is now Jong’s Deputy. Udoy played  a number of years with SMB but I haven’t heard much about him lately. Same goes for Bal. I wonder where he is now? Marie is a die-hard Bal David fan. Tama ba ako? The final game had the Tigers facing the Falcons headed by Kenneth Duremdes (teka, tama ba?) and 7-foot giant, EJ Feihl (who started out as a Tiger).

For the next three years, under the leadership of Coach Aric del Rosario, the Tigers reigned the UAAP Men’s Basketball Competitions. The Archers of course would never forget the three years that they faced UST in the finals which they all lost. I remember getting into arguments with some DLSU supporters on the two occassions. Syempre, nangyari un after the game. Nanalo kami so malakas loob. La Salle’s stars then were Jason Webb, Tyrone Bautista, Mark Telan and Luigi Trillo. Don Allado was a bumbling rookie that time.

But then again the stars graduated and while some new players came to play for the golden tigers from Espana, they were not able to sustain the success of their predecessors. Exciting players Cyrus Baguio and Nino Gelig electrified the UAAP and Alwyn Espiritu provided the muscle but their efforts were not enough. The best finish they had was runner up to DLSU in 1999.

Fast forward to 2006. UST unveiled a new coach in the person of former Tiger Pido Jarencio known for being a member of Ginebra Team in the PBA. I don’t like him because he got into a number of skirmish with my forever love Jolas. But then again, I am a Thomasian and Tiger by heart. So while I wasn’t able to watch the games (they used to show UAAP games in abs-cbn now), I followed the news and was ecstatic when they won over the league leading Blue Eagles and then got one over the Warriors, the second top team in the league.

UST entered the final four eventually and faced UE Warriors who had a twice to beat advantage. As we all know now, the Tigers defied the odds and won twice over the Dindo Pumaren-coached Warriors.

Game One of the Best of Three showdown starts this Sunday.

GO TIGERS! GO USTE!

Today happened to be the first day of the SkillEx, a National Skills Competition participated in by students on different trades all over NZ. Our polytech is hosting this year’s 3-day competition for the first time ever as it’s always been held up in Auckland.

I never really knew much about this and so when our boss voiunteered the team to help I was like - duh! We got our shirts two weeks ago which had "ask me" printed at the back.

This morning, with two workmates, we went down to see the coordinator, who we heard have been very stressed the last couple of weeks because of the preparations. Sort of reminded me about my own experience with CFO activities like Presidential Awards, Info Conference and Seafarers’ Convention years ago. Anyway, we were instructed to go around to see what’s happening and then take our post and guide the students as they arrive.

So for 3 hours, me and another workmate manned B Block and directed busloads after busloads of students (yeah, the sometimes unruly teeners) to the registration area. It was a tiring job though not as tiring as going home midnight to madaling-araw during the seafarers’ gig. Good thing, a real nice guy from work offered to buy us a drink so we had a hot chocolate for free (i should remind myself to return the favor at some stage).

Then at around 1150am, my workmate asked me to check on the sausage stand which our other workmate was supposed to be manning with another lady from another unit. When I went there, they’ve started grilling sausages and there were already some students waiting to be served.

Since my workmate had to go back to the office for a mid-day meeting, I volunteered to take over (though I thought I could leave after 12). Anyway, I got on with the job and for an hour I grilled sausages and distributed these to hungry students, some of which have gone back for second and even third helpings. As it was lunchtime and as a reward, I had eat one myself. That was lunch. At 1pm, we packed up as all the sausages have gone. And I was tired. And smelled like grilled sausages. Unfortunately, since I didn’t plan to be involved in doing the sausage sizzlers, I didn’t bring a spare shirt. I apologised profusely to my workmates when I went back to the office.

I was tired and hungry and came back to a lot of work in the afternoon. But I didn’t mind as I had fun. And I felt proud of what we did.

So when I left the office at 530pm, I went to the video shop and grabbed 5dvds to watch for a week and went straight to First Choice because I couldn’t bear to cook dinner anymore. I had dimsum and beef brisket (which i didn’t finish). I got home around 7pm and prepared myself for a relaxing evening (read: watch recorded Prison Break and SVU).

And then…

tulog na lang ako…may pasok pa bukas. pero at least di na ako assigned to help sa SkillEx. daming dapat gawin…

such is life…